The Speck In My SPEC

On one cold night, I was warmly tucked up in bed, fantasizing about my ideal Boo and what I hoped he would look like (you know, a knight in shining armor sturvs). I had a long list in my head about the qualities I looked forward to seeing in him. And as I went over them one after the other, someone somewhere abruptly interrupted my thoughts and audaciously asked me, ‘why do you want what you want?’. I froze.

Worse still, I couldn’t answer. And I couldn’t answer not because I didn’t know the answer but because I was ashamed of the answer. Sadly, that was how my fantasy session for that night ended and I humbly proceeded into reflective mode.

I began to audit my list and peel off the layers and layers of whys till I got to the ultimate WHY behind each of the qualities that I had outlined. While some whys were sound and reasonable, others were faulty . . . very faulty. And it was sad to see that some of the qualities I had listed were borne out of my fears and insecurities.

I had considered myself inadequate in certain regards and I had hoped that if my potential Boo came branded with those qualities, it would make up for the inadequacy that I felt. So, I had sought out these qualities not because it would impact positively on the supposed relationship, but for the sheer satisfaction I’d get from having my perceived flaws out of sight.

How sad!

Not only did this experience break me, but it also opened my eyes to the specks in my SPEC. And I was able to identify some other aspects of my life where I had made certain choices based on my fears and insecurities. I painfully realized in my moment of truth, how I had been unduly fearful and selfish.

Ergo, I can’t but wonder how many others like me are out there with their lists. Lists full of specifications and qualities which they would love their better half to possess for no other reason than to mask their own insecurities.

And how they unfortunately proceed to make life-defining decisions based on such faulty reasoning that is fueled by selfishness, self-absorption, and the undue preoccupation with self.

While it is important that we know what we want and go all out for it, it is more important that we understand why we want what we want. As well as honestly and objectively evaluating the reasons behind our SPECs.

It is necessary that we ask ourselves these tough questions, not just regarding the long-term commitment of marriage, but other aspects of our lives as well. Because we just might discover that masked beneath our ‘innocent’ desires are layers and layers of prejudices and insecurities.

Why do you want what you want?

What are the reasons behind the choices that you make?

Why do you have a list in the first place?

What is your WHY?

I hope you learned a thing or two. You can also listen here. And feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section, as well as share this piece with the people in your life.